Browsing Quotes With Tag: humor (154)
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Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly…usually on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.Speaker: UnknownSource: InternetPosted: 13 Feb 2012 at 9:15 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of *@#^!’
Speaker: UnknownSource: InternetPosted: 13 Feb 2012 at 9:13 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap.
Speaker: Carrie SnowPosted: 14 Nov 2011 at 2:48 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Books are, let’s face it, better than everything else. If we played Cultural Fantasy Boxing League, and made books go fifteen rounds in the ring against the best that any other art form had to offer, then books would win pretty much every time. Go on, try it. “The Magic Flute” vs. 'Middlemarch?’ 'Middlemarch’ in six. “The Last Supper” vs. 'Crime and Punishment?’ Fyodor on points. See? I mean, I don’t know how scientific this is, but it feels like the novels are walking it. You might get the occasional exception- “Blonde on Blonde” might mash up 'the Old Curiosity Shop,’ say, and I wouldn’t give much for 'Pale Fire’s’ chances against 'Citizen Kane.’ And every now and again you’d get a shock, because that happens in sport, so 'Back to the Future III’ might land a lucky punch on 'Rabbit, Run;’ but I’m still backing literature twenty-nine times out of thirty.
Speaker: Nick HornbySource: the Polysyllabic SpreePosted: 17 Oct 2010 at 7:39 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
“People are so goddamn predictable. i should write a book about how to suckerpunch people into caring.” Jibsen
Speaker: Reif LarsenSource: The Selected Works of T.S. SpivetPosted: 18 May 2010 at 7:46 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
This story is equally or more about surfing. People are no more interesting than waves and mountains.
Speaker: Dave EggersSource: How We Are HungryPosted: 26 Nov 2009 at 8:50 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
I certainly have no qualms with the idea of killing animals. After years of research, I have come to the conclusion that animals enjoy being eaten; they think it’s fun.
Speaker: Chuck KlostermanSource: Fargo Rock CityPosted: 08 Nov 2009 at 8:33 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
I have always tried to live by a simple principle: If I am sober enough to drive, I am too sober to dance.
Speaker: Chuck KlostermanSource: Fargo Rock CityPosted: 08 Nov 2009 at 8:21 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
You hear this all the time; critics of organized religion constantly say things like, “There is no way a just God would send a man like Gandhi to hell simply because he’s not a Christian.” Well, why not? I’m certainly pulling for Gandhi’s eternal salvation, but there’s no reason to believe there’s a logic to the afterlife selection process. It might be logical, and it might be arbitrary; in a way, it would be more logical if it was totally arbitrary. But the idea of questioning God’s motives will always be a fiercely American thing to do; it’s almost patriotic to get in God’s face. I’m pretty sure a lot of my friends would love the opportunity to vote against God in a run-off election. Even I’d be curious to see who the other candidate might be (probably Harry Browne).
Speaker: Chuck KlostermanSource: Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa PuffsPosted: 19 Sep 2009 at 9:35 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
I would never try to convince someone not to hate the media. As far as I can tell, it’s a completely reasonable thing to hate. Whenever I meet someone who feels a sense of hatred for a large, amorphous body – the media, the government, Ticketmaster, the Illuminati, Anna Nicole Smith, whatever – I fully support their distaste. It’s always better to be mad at something vast and unspecific and theoretical, as these entities cannot sue you for defamation.
Speaker: Chuck KlostermanSource: Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa PuffsPosted: 19 Sep 2009 at 9:18 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
My obsession with serial killers began when I was ten years old. My fourth-grade teacher told our class that we should never hitchhike, because the only people who picked up hitchhikers were perverted serial killers. This advice was complicated by what my fifth-grade teacher told us the following year; she said that we would all have driver’s licenses in a few years, and the one rule we always needed to remember was never to pick up hitchhikers. This was because all hitchhikers were serial killers. According to what I learned in public school, every person on every freeway was trolling for destruction. i used to imagine nomadic, sadistic drifters thumbing rides with bloodthirsty Volkswagen owners, both desperately waiting for the first opportunity to kill each other. Hitchhiking seemed like an ultraviolent race against time.
Speaker: Chuck KlostermanSource: Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa PuffsPosted: 19 Sep 2009 at 9:16 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
I once knew a girl who claimed to have a recurring dream about a polar bear that mauled Ewoks; it made me love her.
Speaker: Chuck KlostermanSource: Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa PuffsPosted: 19 Sep 2009 at 5:00 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
The tangible effect of pornography is roughly the same as the tangible effect of Ozzy Osbourne’s music on stoned Midwestern teenagers: It prompts a small faction of idiots to consider idiotic impulses, which is why we have the word 'idiocy.’
Speaker: Chuck KlostermanSource: Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa PuffsPosted: 17 Sep 2009 at 7:15 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
This is why men need to become obsessed with things: It’s an extroverted way to pursue solipsism. We are able to study something that defines who we are; therefore, we are able to study ourselves. Do you know people who insist they like “all kinds of music”? That actually means they like no kinds of music. And do you know guys who didn’t care who won when the Celtics played the Lakers? That means they never really cared about anything.
Speaker: Chuck KlostermanSource: Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa PuffsPosted: 17 Sep 2009 at 5:47 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Everybody is wrong about everything, just about all the time.
Speaker: Chuck KlostermanSource: Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa PuffsPosted: 17 Sep 2009 at 5:07 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Speaker: Douglas AdamsPosted: 16 Sep 2009 at 8:03 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Speaker: Robert FrostPosted: 12 Sep 2009 at 2:11 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Speaker: Mel BrooksPosted: 10 Sep 2009 at 10:48 PMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.
Speaker: Scott AdamsPosted: 06 Sep 2009 at 9:20 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment! -
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?
Speaker: Jean CocteauPosted: 04 Sep 2009 at 8:50 AMComments: None... Be the first to comment!